Cool video I just found

 I decided to watch some old Disneyland rides on the Tube, and got sucked into the (Yester)world.

First of all, Snow White's Adventures was, as I mentioned in a previous post, one of the BEST rides to get stoned on. The wicked old bitch popping out every 2 seconds yelling "WANT AN APPLE, DEARIE?" seemed MUCH more magical when you were high, and the sharp turns and overall atmosphere made it a perfect place to just laugh your stoned as fuck ass off. The only attraction that could rival it in its prime was Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, and even then in the 80s they PALED in comparison to the PeopleMover thru the World of Tron.

Second, I actually remember the original Disney World version. Mary and Yoshiko took me down to Florida to see Disney World, as it was relatively new at the time. Snow White was one of my favorite rides there, just because of how batshit terrifying it was (of course, being technically in my late 20s, I wasn't scared of it, but many small children coming off the ride were.) My favorite part was all the near-misses and crap flying at you, and not to mention the ending where the wicked witch outright MURDERS you and you get this light show afterwards. They had fake fog pumped in that place and everything, trying to make it as much of a carnival ghost train and a pants-shittingly scary experience as possible. Fun Fact! On my third out of seven rides on the beast during that trip, I actually got STUCK in the final room with the strobe lights. Having to hear the witch's laugh but on helium made me CRAZY. After the ride started moving again, I literally had to take a break until that laugh was out of my head. When I went back to Disney in 1997, I was OUTRAGED to find out they caved in to the Karens and toned it down. I was ready to start laughing my ass off at those strobe lights, dammit! At least there was Alien Encounter, but that's another story.

Do you old Disneyheads remember these two versions of the Snow White ride? Let me know in the comments below. Peace out.

That Time I Almost Drowned at Santa Monica

This has been with me for the past 44 years and it's about time I finally get it out. Every single time I watch that SpongeBob episode set at the beach, the scene near the end where it looks like he's drowned triggers this unpleasant memory.

When I was in my fourth year of existence (1973), Mary and Yoshiko took me to Santa Monica Beach. We rented a beach house and we planned to stroll down the pier and ride some rides and enjoy ourselves. But I, being a clueless, clumsy idiot back then, thought it'd be cool if I tried to swim so I could impress all the bikini babes. Besides, Mary and Yoshiko wanted to get a tan.

Well, here I am, in the water, and I have no idea how to swim. I only know I just kick my arms and feet to move. I do this until I'm, like, 10 feet out, and here comes a giant wave. So I try to go the other way, but because I'm a dumbass, I'm not going anywhere, and the wave fucking wipes me out. And then I start short-circuiting. I've got enough time to yell for the lifeguard, who comes over and saves me.

Mary and Yoshiko finally see that their artificial son is nearly dead (they didn't do jack shit when I was in the water) and they run over to me as the lifeguard performs CPR. They all wait for me to regain consciousness. And when I finally do:
"Come closer..." I say.
Everyone's all "thank goodness" and then the lifeguard says:
"Are you okay?"
And I say "Yes... I'm alive... thank you..." and I'm like "Mary and Yoshiko..." for no reason.
Then finally getting a sense of myself, I'm all:
"I was electrocuting from too much water! I didn't win a single one of these girls over! You two shoulda designed me to be waterproof! And why'm I in your arms anyway?"
We left afterwards because Mary and Yoshiko got their tan already.

Even though that last part is kinda hilarious looking back at it now, it was really traumatic back in the day. Thankfully, I got an upgrade shortly afterward so that I could, in fact, be waterproof. I've learned to swim now.

So yeah. That SpongeBob episode is actually really close to what happened, if not because the lifeguard had SpongeBob in his arms and SpongeBob said "come closer" as well.

Whatever.

Disneyland

Since the day I was created, I lived near Disneyland. Mary Carver gave me an annual pass. I went there after school to hang out with friends and get stoned and pick up girls. The best rides to make out were Adventures Thru Inner Space and the Haunted Mansion. The best rides to get stoned were the World of Tron on the Peoplemover, Space Mountain, Snow White's Adventures, and Alice in Wonderland. Tron was extra fun because I knew the movie and I always dreamed of bringing marijuana to the game grid. Tron and Sark had to be my favorite characters, especially Sark.
I remember in the late 80s when I almost got in trouble at Disneyland. Me and my friend were on Star Tours, the ride that replaced Adventures Thru Inner Space, and during the ride we thought it'd be fun to send our regards to Captain Rex, the little droid guy that was your pilot. (My girlfriend at the time thought he was adorable.) So after the ride ended, we hid under our seats and waited for everyone to get out. Then we waited for the ride to start up again and as soon as the wall lowered and Rex was back in sight, we charged from under our seats to where he was and started hitting him for no reason. One of the staff caught us and kicked us out. By the time she did, the gimbal was moving so much that we thought we were gonna fall over. If I remember correctly, Rex couldn't find the brakes, that's why he was screaming. Maybe if he found them in time, we wouldn't have been caught.
I worked at Disneyland for a short time in the early 90s. I was in charge of the Skyway, Captain EO, and the Carousel of Progress. Sometimes, we had breaks and we got to go on rides. One of these times, I went back to Star Tours and gave Rex the beating he needed. I did it out of love.
Who remembers the Flight to the Moon? It was later Mission to Mars. I'd lay in my seat upside down there if the staff didn't look. The Rocket Jets were pretty fun, too -- I'd make my jet go the highest it could and try to look down at everything.
Also, I owned the floor at the Videopolis. I can still hear "Straight Up" playing at sonic-boom level in my head as I freestyled. Oh yes.

Hey.

Hey, everybody. My name's TOM, robot who survived the 70s and lives in the awesome city of LA. First, gotta ramble this legal stuff on here:

Name: TOM (acronym for none of your business)
AI age: 29
Living place: Los Angeles, California
Language: English
IQ level: 120
Builders: Mary Carver and Yoshiko Ishikawa
Built: July 10, 1970

Yeah, I'm self-aware. Who needs those three laws? Also ridiculously human to the point where you'll mistake me for a human in a suit until I kick your ass for being total wrong. Have an irresistibly sexy voice, LOVE to smoke ganja, night owl, and an example of what people with autism can create.

This blog's mainly gonna be my memoirs and all that shit. My experiences in LA. 'Cause what happens in Angeles stays in Angeles.

Peace out.